Changing communication paradigm

If you are a middle aged person like me living in India now, the chances are that you will be straddling three generations with three different communication cultures. The impact of the cultural differences can be traumatic

The senior citizens, our parents and their friends, are mostly still in the paradigm of using a phone as a communications device. For them phone is used to call and talk to each other, many of them have not heard of digital transactions, most of them still use cash and do not possess credit cards. 

For our generation, phone is not just a communication device, it is also a messaging device that helps us stay in touch with our friends, and helps us engage in contentious political debates. While using phone mostly for talking, occasionally we will use the phone for checking emails and engaging with friends on SM and Whatsapp.

Our children's generation is addicted to their phones. For them mobile phone is more of a collaboration device rather than a communication device. They hardly talk to each other on the phone, most of the communication is text messaging on Snapchat, Whatsapp or Instagram. Not for them the tools that their parents use like Facebook and Twitter. Skype? Yuck, what is that?

The times have changed. The mobile technology has exploded the communication. We are always communicating. We are taking over phone, chatting over Snapchat, discussing over Email, pontificating on Facebook, snapping at each other over Twitter and arguing on Whatsapp!. It is like our communication have never ceased and all of us are connected to each other all the time!

So when we call up someone it is just a continuation of our chat on Whatsapp or Telegram (or even those oldies Skype or Facebook Messenger).

The only reason we call people is to listen to their voices. I already know how you are and what you are thinking because we were chatting on Whatsapp just now. I do not have to ask you how you are. You just sent me 15 messages on Gtalk telling me how each of your body parts is feeling right now!

When you call me on the phone, we jump straight to the the topic like we are jumping on to a running train.

This habit of jumping straight to the topic causes communication breakdown when we are talking to seniors. They are not on constant communication mode. For people of my dad’s generation, asking ‘Hello how are you?’after picking the phone comes naturally. The telephone conversations follow a pattern. Even now, the second sentence my mother in law asks after ‘Hello how are you?’ is ‘What did you cook today?’ This is followed by ‘how are your children?’. This pattern is strictly followed, even if she has spoken to that person only the previous day.

They are not on Social Media, they are not online 24/7,  heck, my father-in-law sends money order to his sister even today, in the age of NEFT and RTS. He takes the money, walks to the post office 30 minutes away, fills up those forms, pays the money order charges of 10% and sends the money.

Then he waits for two days and calls his sister to ask if she has received it. If she says no, he starts to worry. If there is one more ‘no’ the next day, he again goes to the post office to check if they have sent the money!

He has heard of NEFT. His daughters have asked him many times to move to NEFT. He is reluctant. He feels that transferring money online is just lazy. He feels that walking to the post office, filling those forms and paying those charges are a part of the gifting experience!

When we are talking to people of an earlier generation, we must realize that both of us are coming from different places. We are coming from the ‘Regular communicating place’ and they are coming from ‘Rarely communicating place’. We have to be sensitive about that.

We have to be courteous and respectful and patient when we are talking to our senior generation on the phone.

I remember what happened on the day in early February four years ago. In the evening I was staying in Mumbai and my parents and brother Mahesh were staying in Bangalore. I had called home from Mumbai wanting to ask something to Mahesh. I was in the middle of filling some forms and wanted some information from Mahesh. Appa (my father) had picked the phone. I think he wanted to chat, but I was busy and matter of fact and had asked for my brother. I did not even ask him how he was, the basic telephone courtesy when talking to the people of that generation, in fact when talking to people of any generation. He asked me how I was. I remember replying, ‘I am fine Appa, is Mahesh there?’

Back in 2015 I was not sensitive about the difference in our communication styles. When he asked me ‘How are you?’ my answer should have been ‘I am fine Appa, how are you? Are you taking your medicines regularly?’ Both of us would have been happy after that exchange.

Later in the evening on that day, he passed away !

I feel guilty every time I think about that day. But no amount of guilt can undo what I did.

Communication styles have consequences!